Try To Avoid Family Court: But, If You Can't...Here Are Ways To Not End Up Miserable and Bankrupt
This was once a blog that detailed my custody issues with my daughter and talked a lot about fathers rights; but, I recently removed all the posts. Why? Because...it doesn't really matter if my emotions were justified or not...I just don't want to express my hurt or anger in a public way any more. It's not going to accomplish anything. I'd now like to be as constructive and helpful as I can possibly be. I want to share what I've learned. I want to quickly tell people the things I learned the hard way. I want to quickly show people a way that they may perhaps avoid the expense and hurt feelings that accompany Family Court. And, if court's not avoidable, I want to show you a way that you can go through the process without being bankrupted. And, I want to show you how to get good family law answers for cheap. I, honestly, wish somebody had explained all this to me about four years ago.
Reading this page will change your life.
What you don't want to have happen is the lawyer and court labrinyth. Not if you can help it. It's very difficult for fathers to get residential custody unless they can conclusively demonstrate SERIOUS PROBLEMS with the mother that adversely affect the child's best interest. Yes, if there are serious problems that are hurting your child...then, yes, go to court and fast. Do whatever you must to protect your child!
If you can't show serious problems that are harming your child; then, in my opinion, you can forget about getting residential custody. You'll be in the world of weekend dad and child support payments. This may not seem fair. Well, after a while you may come to accept that life's not fair. That's the way it is...Accept it and move on...
And, as I said...do EVERYTHING WITHIN YOUR POWER to reach an agreement outside of the court system. And, I really mean that...if the dispute is over visitation or money...you really must try as hard as you can to work the issues out with the mother in a calm, peaceful way. TRY! If you have hurt feelings, put the hurt feelings aside and remember this is about doing what's best for your child or children.
Now, I don't have my head in the clouds. I understand that there are a lot of cases in which the mother and father can't reach an agreement. Family Court is filled with them. There are hardly enough hours in the day for all of the Judges to hear all of the cases. Your case is one of many. And, honestly, both you and mom should be ashamed of yourselves. How do you really measure up as adults if you have to turn to a stranger to tell you when you can see your own child!
Think about that.
But, I do understand that there are situations where there could be any number of things going on: persistent frustration of your visitation, child abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, violence, mental problems, excessive spite, Parental Alienation Syndrome, developmental problems with the child ...you name it! I know... I know!
So, let's suppose you can't reach an agreement. The mother won't agree to mediation. Or, she won't agree to your reasonable requests for time with your child. Or, something about her behavior or lifestyle is harming your child. And, that of course includes her frustration of your visitation. Well, then you'll have to take it to Family Court. Neither side generally gets what they want. And, the lawyers make piles of money. And, the acrimony between the parents only increases. And, you may sit around thinking about how those thousands of dollars which are paying for your lawyer's Mercedes could have gone into your child's college fund.
Won't you both feel stupid years from now if you can't afford to send your child to college because your resources went to make a couple of lawyers rich??? Meditate on that point for a while!
And...believe me...some lawyers don't seem genuinely concerned about you or your child. Some don't even provide "reasonable diligence" as they are required to by law. And, believe me...you will very likely feel upset about the whole lawyer, Judge, court game. There's a good chance that just like a lot of dads and moms, you will feel that it's all just about money. But, I do understand that there are cases in which the dad has no choice but to go to court.
Okay, when you've reached that point...when you feel that you did everything within your power to find a mutual answer outside of the system...then, you have to begin the process of the legal system. And, chances are you're going to end up feeling cheated. But, there's really no one for you to blame. You voluntarily had sex with a woman. That resulted in a child. Who can you blame?
When you know that you must go to Family Court; you must proceed intelligently or you will burn through a pile of money and likely not even get results that you are happy with...You must proceed cautiously...and, I am going to tersely tell you how...
When going to court, you must decide whether you are going to represent yourself (pro se) or whether you will hire a lawyer. Now, some people are happy when they do represent themselves in court...and some people are unhappy when they hire a lawyer. And, it can work the other way as well. Often mom and dad are unhappy no matter what. But, you don't also want to end up broke along with all of your other problems.
So, as we established...you're in a position where mediation and compromise and talk didn't work...so, if you represent yourself pro se; be prepared to do a lot of research. You will need to do a good bit of reading. Here are some recommended books about family court, family law, and fathers rights. If you are in a conflict over your child, I don't think reading is optional. Get good books and begin to learn the law a bit yourself.
From my experience over the last five years; I do recommend that people give the pro se route a chance. As indicated, most of my experiences with lawyers have been both bad and expensive. However, there is one really intelligent way to interact with lawyers that won't cost you an arm and a leg:
It's a service that I've come across which allows you to ask a lawyer a question for quite cheap. As far as I'm concerned, this service is a way to beat the system. A way to beat the mainstream lawyers' game. A way to avoid a $3000 retainer! A way to get actual answers that you can trust for cheap!
What's cool about this is that you can have an actual family law attorney answer your question for $15 or $30...that's quite a bargain, believe me, when you get into the world of $300 an hour lawyers...believe me...you are much better off using this service and getting a few of your most important questions answered for cheap. And, if you're representing yourself, it's a cheap option to get a little bit of needed help without bankrupting yourself! How do you do you ask these questions? The question box is here:
Quite a few folks have used this Family Law Experts service above and have told me how happy they are with it. It's great if you don't have a lawyer...and, if you do have a lawyer and you feel he or she is on the wrong track, this is a great and cheap way to get a second opinion on the topic! And, if you're not satisfied with the answer...you don't have to pay!!!!!!!! I've always felt very good about recommending this service...And, with good conscience, I recommend it to you.
Now, let's suppose that you feel too overwhelmed to represent yourself in court, and, you do want to hire a lawyer. You, naturally, want to know how.
There Are Only Two Intelligent Ways To Find A Lawyer
1. You can either get the recommendation of a trusted friend who had a positive experience with a particular lawyer.
2. Or, what you do is go to your local family court and observe. You are permitted to go into the courtroom and watch the proceedings. If you see an attorney whose performance you appreciate, then simply ask him for his or her name and location afterwards. It took me a long time to figure out this simple thing! Well, it doesn't have to be as hard or complicated for you.
So, either proceed with a lawyer or without one. But, first and foremost try to resolve your differences outside of the system. Remember, you guys are the adults and there's a child who's counting on you! Be the bigger person for the sake of your child if necessary. If you can't reach an agreement, and, you have to head off to Family Court... give the Just Answers service a try...your bank account will thank you and, chances are you'll sleep better at night.
I put up this website with the hope that I may be able to help somebody to not go down the road which only leads to hurt feelings and resentment and debt. Like a lot of dads, I learned things the hard way. If I can prevent somebody else from having to learn the hard way...I can feel great!
The bottom line is that the child is best off with two parents who can get along. Try your hardest to get along in a peaceful way. If you have to bite your tongue and enhance your level of patience...do that. Ultimately...Do whatever is best for your child or children.
Good Luck!
|
|